Dark Lord Strategies For The Entrepreneurially Challenged: Chapter 1

Evil Overlord tip #7 :

When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”

Every successful person has a morning routine that sets them in the proper motion for a productive day. Some enjoy a hot cup of coffee on a peaceful veranda surrounded by nature and their own thoughts. Others carefully peruse through the morning paper, staying well informed of current events in order to become a better citizen, while some partake in a long gentle exercise to mentally prepare their bodies and mind for the forthcoming requirements of the day. The unsuccessful ones, the ones who barely crawl through life with everything intact take on a different sort of tactics. Some pour cold milk on the counter only to ponder whilst eating  their cornflakes of their peculiar dryness. Some blare controversial lyrical poems, upsetting elderly neighbors enjoying the songs and birds, and others sleep through several alarms to only wake screaming from their bed, inventible overslept, late for the onslaught ahead. This category of people was Findellwort. Even the half scribbled list on a leftover takeout menu clutched in his hand seemed a helpless grab at a day already beyond saving.

  • Don’t Forget
  • 1. Wash Dirty Laundry
  • 2. Find Dirty Laundry
  • 3. Check that it is Dirty Laundry
  • 4. Put Away Clean (not dirty) Laundry
  • 5. Divy Out Booty
  • 6. Send treats to local peasants
  • 7. Teach Lesson to small revolting village
  • 8. Minion Rex’s Birthday 🙂
  • 9. Feed Steve

wake up

Findellwort briefly considered his one successful task, written hastily as an after thought several hours after the fact.   Finding a moment of solace in his fare, he pocketed the list and reached into the bucket he carried with the other hand, pulling out a half rotted piece of meat.  He held the chunk out in front of him. “It’s breakfast time.” He called. A grunting responded. Findellowrt tossed the meat. It hit the floor with a squish. He gave it a small push with his barefoot, His shoes still missing from the pervious night, nudging it further on the bed. Hastily he withdrew his foot at the snarling and hissing as the meat was pulled into the shadows of his bed. Glad the unruly task was over Findellwort sighed. Steve was fed. His bedchamber was safe another day.

Perhaps it should be noted at this time that FIndellwort was not the most of ordinary people to be found. Or in this sense, he was the most of ordinary, with the most unordinary of jobs. Findellwort was a Dark Lord. Dark Lord of Grisholm, the tall and luminous fortress that perched upon Stede Peak. He ruled over the land below with an iron fist, dealing out his cruelty, without mercy, inflicting terror in his subjects so that he might further his dark domain. Or at least that was what the job description read. Findellwort had inherited the whole unfortunate business when his grandmother had died in a freak accident several years back involving a sheep and several angry villagers. Left without any other surviving heirs, misfortune being quiet common among the Dark Lord Family, Griselda was forced to leave all her domain to her rather well behaved and quite polite grandson Findellwort.

It was a mistake. Findellwort knew that the moment he signed the legal contract. Griselda should have given the position to any other person. The peasants who accidentally killed her could have done a better job running an evil kingdom then Findellwort. Since he took power, peace and prosperity had presided over the domain. Education abounded, the roads were safe for travel and crime dropped to an unnoticeable rate. The villagers had even started a May Day celebration! And no one was happy. In fact they resented him, many moving to other neighboring dark kingdoms grumbling that if they wanted to live with a benevolent ruler they wouldn’t have moved to Grisholm in the first place!

Findellwort was not fond of death. Or blood. or any kinda of violence in particular. His first act as Overlord had been to band the “unnecessary but obligatory deceptions of villagers to ensure evilness reigns” as states in the Dark Overlord Hand book Article 5 – Evil Tactics and When to Deploy Them. Findellwort was more fond of the more subtle methods, a tribunal made up of villages to discuss options of social community without penalizing and the continual advancement of Grisholm. It had taken several years to convince the villagers that “Dutiful Sacrifice of a Calf and Vestal Virgin to Ensure the Destruction Postponed” Article 10 – Duties of a Villager to Prevent the Inevitable End, was both an unnecessary waste of a good cow and young woman, as well as an unpleasant mess to deal with afterwards. The villagers were willing to let him slide on changes, but other requirements of were still expected. Findellwort spent many a long night orchestrating the annual burning of farms, kidnappings of strong children, enslavement of subjects and harassment of minions.

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